POTTY PERILS AND TOLIET TERROR

Has this ever happened to you?

You enter a bathroom, prepare to do your bidness, and go to take a seat. Then, due to the fact that the particular toilet you’re using is shorter than the one you are accustomed to, you experience momentary panic on the way down- right at the level where your usual toilet would be located. The following quickly runs through your mind:

“Oh shit…I’m going down…did I sit too far to the right? AM I MISSING THE TOILET COMPLETELY? Am I about to fall-bare ass first-on the dirty bathroom floor?!?! CAN I NOT EVEN BE TRUSTED WITH THE SIMPLE TASK OF TAKING A LEAK?!?!"

Only to have a wave of relief wash over you when PLUNK, you hit the toilet seat and not the floor and realize that this toilet must just be lower than the one you’re used to. Phew.

What’s that? You say that’s never happened to you?

Oh.

Well…uh…yeah...um...never mind. Me either. I was just thinking that it COULD happen...and this would probably be what it would be like if it did...uh...happen.

SERIOUSLY?

From the New York Post:

January 18, 2007 -- This bum really can't catch a break - an Upper East Side antiques dealer has filed a million-dollar lawsuit demanding the vagrant vamoose from the sidewalk grate in front of his shop.
The less fortunate often loiter in front of Karl Kemp and Associates Antiques at 833 Madison Ave., standing on the small grate for heat, but Kemp says they're cooling off his business by blocking the shop window...
"You make a wonderful effort to have an attractive window, people come out from the building next door, they don't see him and they trip over him," he said. "It happened twice last August. One lady hurt herself." (Emphasis mine)

That's awful! I mean, what are the homeless doing trying to get warm in front of this poor man's shop?! Don't they see they're ruining the wonderful effort that he spends to have an attractive window? Rich people don't want to see bums getting warm when they're on the way to pay entirely too much money for a piece of furniture- it makes them feel uncomfortable! And uncomfortable rich people do not Patrons of Over Priced Antiques make! Which hurts business!!!

Seriously. What are they going to do- repossess this dude’s house? Maybe his car? Maybe they’ll just impound his shopping cart until he pays.

And what about the lady who "hurt herself"? All you have to do to avoid a Tripped Over A Homeless Person and Broke a Hip accident is to look where you're going. If you hurt yourself falling over a full grown person sitting on the street, you don't deserve to walk.

Jeez.

TO MAKE US ALL MORE SMARTER

Dictionary.com's Word of the Day is:

foofaraw \FOO-fuh-raw\, noun:1. Excessive or flashy ornamentation or decoration.2. A fuss over a matter of little importance.

What a fun word! FOO-fuh-raw. FOOOOOOO-fuh-raw. I will now attempt to use it in a sentence...

"The holiday's are much more fun if you don't get caught up in all of the shopping foofaraw. "

Neato. New words are phun. I will try to use it at least three times today in order to cement it into my everyday vocabulary. I'll let you know how that works out for me.

STEVEN TYLER* OR GOLLUM?

You decide.

*I love Mr. Tyler and wish him no emotional harm due to this post. It's ok Steven, it was just an unflattering moment caught in freeze frame. We know you can still rock the mic AND the leather pants.

I AM A WASTE OF LIFE

Well, its now 8pm* on MLK day, a day that I had home from work and on which I hoped to do many important and exciting things...and my ass is still on the couch. Have I done anything exciting today? No. I did yoga with the help of my trusty Rodney Yee videos. I ate some cereal. I cleaned the cage of my geriatric guinea pig. I cleaned my bathroom. And I sat in front of my laptop and wasted time on the internet. Wow. That's a sorry way to spend a day off.

At least I'm showered and dressed- although that's little consolation since I'm STILL IN THE HOUSE.

Ugg. I'm such a sluggard.

*When I wrote this my home computer wasn't allowing blogger to function properly, so I had to save it and post it today.

"BREEDING OR NON?"

Now that a lot of states are voting on a smoking ban for bars and restaurants, I know that there is a concern (I know I’M concerned) over what will become of those poor sections previously reserved as ‘smoking’. I for one think that these Smoking Sections will begin to feel useless and out of touch and may develop serious issues with their self esteem. This can not be. Citizens, we cannot stand by and let these voters make poor innocent tables and chairs feel as though they have no purpose just because we wish to protect our lungs from cancer.

So here’s what I propose:

I propose that all the sections previously reserved as smoking sections now be reserved for families/people with children (excluding bars OBVIOUSLY). Who among us has not been trying to enjoy a nice relaxed meal only to have it ruined by the screaming of some young child? I venture to guess that none of us has been immune to such inconsiderate ruckuses.

Those among us who like children (I am not included in this group) will still be able to see their cute little faces from across the room so that comments such as “Awww, look…she’s so CUUUUTTTTEEEE” can still be dispensed while giving pointed glances to Significant Others- except without being in direct proximity of the NOISE that comes with the Cute Little Face. This would also benefit Pointed Glance Givers, because the Mr./Mrs. Significant will be able to see the Cute Little Face without the noise ruining the point you are raising about the Case of the Biological Clock.

And for those of us who generally don’t like children (I say generally because sometimes even baby haters like myself are partial to one or two of them on an individual case by case basis) the benefits are obvious. Although you still may hear a scream or two wafting through the air- just like smoke would sometimes creep from the Smoking to Nonsmoking sections- the horrid little person emitting that scream will not be RIGHT BEHIND YOU. The distance will also be beneficial in preventing Seat Kicking Incidents, Staring Over the Back of the Booth and Drooling into Your Hair Incidents, and Crumbs All Up Under the Table from the Child Who Came Before Incidents. I don’t have anything against people with kids, I just don’t want to have to whip out the Death Stare in the middle of an otherwise pleasant meal- it ruins the mood for everyone.

This brings me to my next point- that having a Special Section for families with kids also helps the parents. I know some parents don’t give a crap about the comfort of others, but many do and many feel uncomfortable when they are directly associated with a screaming child. The Special Section will keep these uncomfortable feelings at bay by keeping parents protected from Big Sighs and Death Stares from the other diners and:

Everyone will dine in peace and harmony.

So please…consider my proposal. Write your senators, contact your local representative, and call your mom. Whatever you need to do to get the word out.

Thank you for your time.

DE-LURKING WEEK!

Ok, I know I'm a little slow on the uptake here, but hey...its not the 12th yet, so De-Lurking Week is still goin' on!

I also don't actually think people other than my two other office slave friends actually ever READ this, but you never know. I could have lurkers out there everywhere and just not know it!!!

**claps hands excitedly*

Doubtful...but...whatever.

A MESSAGE TO ALL RE-GIFTERS

When re-gifting, make sure there is not a personalized message to you, the re-gifter, on the gift being re-gifted. Re-gifting is all well and good, but when the re-giftee knows that her gift a re-gift due to the personalized message to the re-gifter...it makes the re-giftee feel a tad bit un-special and it makes the re-gifter look a tad bit tacky and cheap.

Just a thought….

I WORK WITH A CONSTIPATED CARTOON


Someone in the office adjacent to mine laughs like this:

"Heeheeheeheehee."

Like, that ACTUAL sound. Heeheeheehee.

All high pitched and strained. Like a cartoon that's been smoking. On the toilet. Heeheeheehee.


It’s infuriating.

ET TU GWYNETH (PART DEUX)

The Gwyneth stuff from the other day was fabricated apparently, but this is (said to be) a real quote:

To Toronto's Globe & Mail in September 2005: "I've always been drawn to Europe. America is such a young country, with an adolescent swagger about it. But I feel that I have a more European sensibility, a greater respect for the multicultural nature of the globe. And it's a strange time to be an American now."*

Same kind of idea, but not as obnoxious. My apologies.

ET TU GWYNETH?

Ok…I’m a total anglophile, I’ll admit…but to say the English are MORE INTELLIGENT? Um…no.

"I love the English lifestyle, it's not as capitalistic as America. People don't talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner. I like living here because I don't fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans."- Gwyneth Paltrow

Not talking about money at dinner does not intelligent make. It just means that they…don’t talk about money at dinner. They may act more snobby…er…civilized…but that also doesn’t equal intelligence. Look at Mike Judge…he’s crass as all get out…and BRILLIANT, as is John Waters and David Sedaris…and of course the writers of this blog!

Sigh…Gwyneth Gwyneth…do not turn your back on your countrymen.

MALES AMUSE ME

I love how most guys would be all squeemy about taking a pill before going out to prevent pregnancy...

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/475925p-400192c.html

...but they'd SURE AS HELL TAKE VIAGRA. :)

THE OVERRATED LIST ACCORDING TO LUCY AND HOPE:

HIGH POWERED JOBS: Better to stay at the bottom where you 're not actually RESPONSIBLE for anything

DIAMONDS: Only stupid people would pay 10,000 dollars for something that can't be distinguished from broken glass except by a microscope. Think of all the fries that money can buy.

Which brings us to...

GOURMET MEALS: A basket o' fries with a side of blue cheese dressing to dip them in is better, cheaper, and more filling.

SHEETS WITH A RIDICULOUSLY HIGH THREAD COUNT: One word people, and that word is flannel.

PROFESSIONALLY DECORATED BOUDOIRS: Why pay through the nose so you can wake up and think you're at the local Holiday Inn?

EXPENSIVE SHOES: Cheap ones are better for throwing at someone' s head. There isn' t that two second delay where you worry about harming the expensive shoe- during which delay your target could move causing you to miss.

DESIGNER HANDBAGS: People either assume it's fake, which looks tacky, or real, which looks you care too much what people think.* Often times, the buyer is so caught up with the name, they forget a very important point: the bag is just ugly. Exhibit A
*the only exception to this is vintage louis vuitton because it's classic

BLOG OF THE DAY

Thanks to The Daily Tannenbaum 's 'Blogs I Like to Read' sidebar for alerting me to the best celebrity bashing site I've found yet.

Go Fug Yourself

Really. It's hilarious. I demand that you go to it now.

THE PEOPLES EXHIBIT A: PERTAINING TO CHARGES OF SLOTH AND SLOBBISHNESS

More evidence of my above average (stellar even!) work habits. This time the email exchange occurs between Very Important Blog contributors Lucy and Hope.

Lucy: By keyboard is covered in grease.
Hope: Is that why you typed "BY keyboard is covered in grease"? Cause your fingers are slipping around? That's awesome. My desk is covered in crumbs.
Lucy: Haha I didn't even notice! If someone ever needed to use my computer I'd be mortified.
Hope: Yeah...I hate Fridays because I have to work at someone else's desk which requires that I actually RID said desk of crumbs before I leave. What's THAT about?!
Hope: Hey, you know what? I get supremely irritated with any task that requires me to leave my seat. I'm so LAZY!
Lucy: Me too! I HATE photocopying large amounts of things in one go because I have to STAND.

Yup, that there's an example of some exemplary work habits, folks. Exemplary.

MY ABOVE AVERAGE WORK ETHIC

As I was in the middle of the below conversation over email with The Only Person At Work I Socialize With- we'll call her TOPAWISW for the purpose of this narration- a realization came to me. That realization was that I have a fantastic work ethic. Really. It's fantastic. Or at least highly above average. Consider the following:

Picture Hope...sitting at her desk hard at work. Staring at the computer until her eyes are sore. Painstakingly finding the important information that her boss had asked her for. Working hard so that she can get that information to her boss in a timely fashion. Searching...searching...searching for...wait...that's not a spreadsheet! Thats The Superficial up on Hope's screen! And...she's not emailing the information that she painstakingly found for her boss...she's emailing a friend?! A friend that works just one office over and is ALSO supposed to be working?!! What?!

HOPE:
http://thesuperficial.com/2006/11/denise_richards_hates_old_peop.html
This is hilarious.

TOPAWISW: That is the WORST picture I have EVER seen of either one of those super-tramps!
And it’s a funny story to boot.

HOPE: I know! Talk about Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Or DUMB as the case may be. Denise definitely found someone more her speed in Pam (new BFF) than in Heather L (ex BFF). Not that Heather L comes across as a rocket scientist…but definitely seems brighter than Denise and Pam. I think Heather’s better off without her Ex-BFF.
This is of course because I know them personally and can make such a judgment.

TOPAWISW: True that!
AND…pam and denise look HAGGARD!!! Is that what having kids does to you or is that just naked aging? Cuz what ever it is – it’s grim.

HOPE: I think its naked aging AND having 70’s/80’s combination hair. It is grim…I agree with you there. Maybe, at least in Pam’s case, when you have giant fake boobs, you feel you don’t have to worry about your face because you think nobody’s looking at it anyway.

TOPAWISW: I think that you have hit the nail on the head, my friend.
I have so much energy right now. I am kind of scaring myself. It must have been that walk I took. I have not hit the 3 o’clock slump yet. I actually feel productive – call Guinness!

HOPE: Whoa. Slow down man! You’re not used to this pace! You’ll hit a wall! You have to work UP to that level of productivity…you can’t just go right to the top- your body will rebel!

TOPAWISW: I will CRASH pretty hard this evening. I just know it. Oh my God! Maybe this is the key to a good night’s sleep!

HOPE: You may gain the key to a good night’s sleep but think of what you’ll be LOSING. You would be losing your Slacker Status. And then you could no longer be my BFF I’m afraid…

TOPAWISW: Painting one picture does not necessarily make me a painter.
I do not ever see this condition repeating itself. My slacker privileges will be safe, I assure you.

HOPE: That's a relief- I can't have the only person I socialize with at work be someone who actually WORKS!

And...SCENE.

THE INTERNET FUELS HYPOCHONDRIA

The internet is a horrible device for those of us with a mild case of hypochondria. I wonder if emergency rooms have seen an increase in people coming for weird illnesses they’re convinced they have due to Googling their symptoms. For example, here is an exchange that occurred between the two contributors of Very Important Blog this afternoon:

Hope: There's a website titled "All About My Vagina" and it’s at myvag.net. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Lucy: Hahaha did you see this in the back of Bitch Magazine or something? It looks like it's right up their alley, so to speak.

Hope: No when I was googling symptoms. The internet is a horrible device for hypochondriacs...

Lucy: I KNOW! This year I thought I had a neurological problem, diabetes and herpes all because of the internet.

Hope: HAHAHAHA. I thought I had the betes too back when my hands were going numb! What neurological problem did you think you had?

Lucy: I had my hand numbness, and muscle spasms at the same time. I thought I had like Parkinsons or MS or something. And then when you go a googlin', and they're like "do you pee alot? Well, it may be cancer."

Hope: HAHAHAHA or you could be pregnant.

Lucy: Maybe I'm pregnant with a fetus with a neurological condition!

Hope: WITH CANCER!

Terrible. Just terrible. :)

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMM...

One wonders what happened in the bathroom before you got there when you enter to find the floor littered with Smarties.

THE HR DIRECTOR LOOKS LIKE A PUSSY...CAT:

Costume parties and elementary school teachers aside, it’s disconcerting seeing Grown Ass People wandering about the workplace (or other public places) in costumes. I’m not talking a pair of cat ears here…or devil horns…or a witches hat…or even an ugly but festive sweatshirt with matching earrings- I’m talking about a full blown From-the-Weird-Headpiece-Down-to-the-Shoes COSTUME.

I don’t know…I just find it very hard to conduct myself in a professional manner when the person I'm talking to is dressed as say…a Fairy…or Slutty Dorothy…or a Vampire with Very Badly Applied Foundation.

Now, if the whole office is having a costume party, or contest or something…that’s different. But if the office is NOT having a party and there was not some kind of general “we’re going to wear costumes” consensus…

…then it just looks like you’re a refugee from Neverland Ranch.

IN ORDER TO ALLEVIATE THE MENTAL ANGUISH INFLICTED BY THE PREVIOUS POST ON RUSH LIMBAUGH'S STUPIDITY, I GIVE YOU:

AN OLDIE BUT GOODIE IN THE EMAIL FORWARDING DEPT! Enjoy!!

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEEDefinition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSHDefinition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAMEDefinition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERDefinition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENSDefinition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLARDefinition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGHDefinition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIREDefinition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELONDefinition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETDefinition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TEDDefinition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BYDefinition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.