Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Costume parties and elementary school teachers aside, it’s disconcerting seeing Grown Ass People wandering about the workplace (or other public places) in costumes. I’m not talking a pair of cat ears here…or devil horns…or a witches hat…or even an ugly but festive sweatshirt with matching earrings- I’m talking about a full blown From-the-Weird-Headpiece-Down-to-the-Shoes COSTUME.
I don’t know…I just find it very hard to conduct myself in a professional manner when the person I'm talking to is dressed as say…a Fairy…or Slutty Dorothy…or a Vampire with Very Badly Applied Foundation.
Now, if the whole office is having a costume party, or contest or something…that’s different. But if the office is NOT having a party and there was not some kind of general “we’re going to wear costumes” consensus…
…then it just looks like you’re a refugee from Neverland Ranch.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
IN ORDER TO ALLEVIATE THE MENTAL ANGUISH INFLICTED BY THE PREVIOUS POST ON RUSH LIMBAUGH'S STUPIDITY, I GIVE YOU:
AN OLDIE BUT GOODIE IN THE EMAIL FORWARDING DEPT! Enjoy!!
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEEDefinition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSHDefinition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAMEDefinition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERDefinition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENSDefinition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLARDefinition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGHDefinition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIREDefinition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELONDefinition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETDefinition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TEDDefinition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BYDefinition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Communist squirrels not withstanding, we here at Very Important Blog do not usually care to engage in serious political discussion, stemming from the fact that there is WAY too much of that swimming out there in Blogdom.
However...this was just TOO easy. Please read the story below (taken from the IMDb website...the ONLY place for news):
Limbaugh Blasts Parkinson's Sufferer Fox for "Acting"
Controversial radio host Rush Limbaugh has slammed actor Michael J. Fox for "acting" his way through a new campaign ad for his favorite politician. The Parkinson's Disease sufferer is seen frantically shaking as he urges voters to consider Missouri Democratic Senate candidate Claire McCaskill in the TV spot. McCaskill shares Fox's hopes for a cure for Parkinson's Disease, and is a strong advocate of embryonic stem cell research. But right-wing radio pundit Limbaugh is far from convinced the Back To The Future star was being honest in the tough-to-watch TV ad, accusing him of faking his condition. He says, "Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting... He's exaggerating the effects of the disease. This is the only time I have ever seen Michael J. Fox portray any of the symptoms of the disease he has. This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox." In his radio rant, which aired on Monday, Limbaugh continued "I will bigly (sic), hugely admit that I was wrong, and I will apologize to Michael J. Fox if I am wrong in characterizing his behavior on this commercial as an act, especially since people are telling me they have seen him this way on other interviews and in other television appearances. Michael J. Fox is using his illness as a way to mislead voters into thinking that their vote for a single United States senator has a direct impact on stem cell research in Missouri. It doesn't, and it won't."
As someone who's adopted grandmother has Parkinson's...I can firmly say:
What a dickhead.
It boggles the mind how someone could make a such a STUPID public statement. Especially coming from someone who...uh...USES ILLEGALLY OBTAINED PAINKILLERS! (....And uses the word "bigly". In what language may I ask is that a word Mr. Radio Talkshow Host?...)
That's an awfully high horse you continuously ride Mr. Limbaugh...
What an idiot.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
From Style Magazine, November 2006 issue:
"Make sure your bra lifts your breasts to the right height by taking this test: Measure the distance from the top of your shoulder to the crook of your elbow. Now find the midpoint. Your nipples should be parallel to this point. If they're below it, try tightening your bra straps a bit."
Breasts have a "right height"? I always figured the "right height" was "not sagging" but apparently I am not in the Fashion Know. I mean, some people have a hard enough time mastering the effort it takes to put on a bra, let alone to use math to see if your nipples are where they should be.
(Separate but related issue: Speaking of nipples...can we speak on the issue of going braless for a moment? Ladies...even if your boobs are on the small side...that does NOT mean that you can go braless all willy-nilly, because you STILL HAVE NIPPLES. Little or not, one can TELL when someone is not wearing the proper support, even if for the sole reason that you can still see nipples poking through. Please, for the sake of the public...even if you have teeny weeny boobies...support them in SOME way, even if it's not by wearing a full out bra. Nobody wants to see all that.)
Anyway...back to this "right height":
I for one, have never had anyone mention that my or anyone else's breasts seem to be at the wrong height.
Who made up this rule? And more importantly...
...how many people are actually going to spend time measuring and doing the math once they read the article?
Friday, October 20, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Here at This Very Important Blog, we care about the politics of all our neighbors-even those who are currently members of the animal kingdom-and today, I believe I stumbled upon a community of Communist Squirrels.
How do I know they were communists you may ask? Let me explain.
While driving through a nearby neighborhood on the way back from lunch (Chipotle..MMMMM), my companion noticed that there were a lot of dead squirrels littering the road. After remarking that she was indeed correct, that there did seem to be a fair amount of deceased squirrels lying about, I made a comment about how maybe it's just because there are a lot of squirrels around there. Now, I meant this in more of a "maybe there are a lot of squirrels around here so that the ratio of squirrels deceased compared to the number of squirrels alive is actually relatively small." But instead, my companion took it as...maybe there are so many squirrels that some are taking it upon themselves die so that the rest can live. So I said, "what, like for the good of the group?"
So we agreed that this was indeed a logical conclusion. That maybe the squirrels lying in the road are there because it was their time to show their loyalty to The Cause. That the Community of Squirrels is more important that the Individual Squirrel, and if there isn't enough food for all of them...then someone has to Make the Ultimate Sacrifice.
Maybe today it was Rodney Squirrel's time to put his life aside. Aside for all of Squirrel Kind (or at least those living in this particular neighborhood...).
Perhaps it went like this:
Run Rodney!...It'll be quick...think of how much it will mean to the Community!!!
GO RODNEY GO!
Sigh...that Rodney...he was such a good squirrel.
Can we all please have a moment of silence for Rodney?
As a follow up to the mini-fridge discussion, I'd like to add another similar situation that is just as bad -if not worse-and that is:
When you are standing amid a horrid odor that you did not have a hand in creating...but you're the only person occupying the public bathroom at the time someone else enters.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
There is a problem with sitting in the office that has the communal mini-fridge. Actually, there are TWO problems with sitting in the office that has the communal mini-fridge.
Problem #1: Anytime anyone comes in to take something OUT of the communal mini-fridge it causes the smell of whatever resides in said mini-fridge to permeate your entire workspace. This is made worse by the fact that a) you have no control over what stank leftovers people put in the fridge- remember...its communal- and b) all you ever have in there is a half finished diet Pepsi- which does not smell when left in a fridge for a reasonable amount of time. So, the noxious odors you are forced to endure anytime anyone opens the fridge are not in any way a product of your own actions.
Problem #2: You are not the only one who has a sense of smell. This means that anyone coming into your office (who isn't part of the community who shares the communal mini-fridge) connects the noxious odor with you- especially because the mini-fridge is hidden behind a table in the back of the room. I know for a fact that if someone's office continually smells food-ish (I say food-ISH because cold leftovers never quite smell like the food did when it was warm) that you begin to wonder if it's the person that's always sitting there that gives off this odor. Like maybe they cook nasty food at home and as a result the smell travels with them wherever they go. Or even worse...that the smell is actually emanating from their pores. This, as we all know, is gross.
So in short, its a lose-lose situation for the poor sap that has to share a room with the communal mini-fridge, for even if no one assumes that the sap himself smells like cheese, the sap still has to endure the constant smell of cheese hovering in the air all around them.
It’s a bad deal. A very bad deal.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
In my glorious state, candidates are gearing up for the state elections in November. After the primary election of last month, we are left with two candidates for Governor of My Glorious State. One candidate is the current governor running for reelection- and he is the candidate I wish to discuss in this blog. I do not believe that the current Governor should be reelected on account of the fact that he has committed serious crimes. We're talking Hair Crimes people. Hair Crimes.
The dude has bad hair. Horrible hair. And this hair has been assaulting us on television commercials and during public appearances for four years now. Do we really want four more years of BAD HAIR? I'll elaborate because I'm sure that some of you have no idea the extent of the Hair Atrocities that have been committed by the current Governor of My Glorious State.
A) It looks like a helmet. Not just because its stiff and unmoving, even in high winds...but because it literally...Looks. Like. A helmet. As in, the football variety.
B) He has as Lucy would say "a suspicious lack of sideburns." If the dude has hair as thick as the helmet he has going on the top...that hair should continue down into some fairly sizable (or at least visible) sideburns. It doesn't. They just aren't there.
C) This hair causes him to look (also as Lucy would say) "overall turtle-like." Do we want a Turtle Man running the state of Maryland? I don't think so.
If a person can't keep his hair looking Presentable (or at least Not Hideous), how can we expect him to keep his state looking Presentable? How!? I'll tell you. WE CAN'T.
We're talking the worst kind of Hair Crimes here. Worst kind. And the tragedy of it all is that he's not even sorry. Not even a little bit! Here he is committing Hair Crimes in full view of the public every day and he hasn't even had the sheer decency to issue an apology to us citizens. Is this the kind of person you want running the state? IS IT?!
So please...if you are a citizen of My Glorious State (you know who you are!), and you are going to the polls to vote next month (AS YOU SHOULD!) don't vote for someone who has committed Hair Crimes. It's not good for Our Glorious State, and it's not good for the country.