Thursday, November 30, 2006


I love how most guys would be all squeemy about taking a pill before going out to prevent pregnancy...

...but they'd SURE AS HELL TAKE VIAGRA. :)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


HIGH POWERED JOBS: Better to stay at the bottom where you 're not actually RESPONSIBLE for anything

DIAMONDS: Only stupid people would pay 10,000 dollars for something that can't be distinguished from broken glass except by a microscope. Think of all the fries that money can buy.

Which brings us to...

GOURMET MEALS: A basket o' fries with a side of blue cheese dressing to dip them in is better, cheaper, and more filling.

SHEETS WITH A RIDICULOUSLY HIGH THREAD COUNT: One word people, and that word is flannel.

PROFESSIONALLY DECORATED BOUDOIRS: Why pay through the nose so you can wake up and think you're at the local Holiday Inn?

EXPENSIVE SHOES: Cheap ones are better for throwing at someone' s head. There isn' t that two second delay where you worry about harming the expensive shoe- during which delay your target could move causing you to miss.

DESIGNER HANDBAGS: People either assume it's fake, which looks tacky, or real, which looks you care too much what people think.* Often times, the buyer is so caught up with the name, they forget a very important point: the bag is just ugly. Exhibit A
*the only exception to this is vintage louis vuitton because it's classic

Friday, November 10, 2006


Thanks to The Daily Tannenbaum 's 'Blogs I Like to Read' sidebar for alerting me to the best celebrity bashing site I've found yet.

Go Fug Yourself

Really. It's hilarious. I demand that you go to it now.

Thursday, November 09, 2006


More evidence of my above average (stellar even!) work habits. This time the email exchange occurs between Very Important Blog contributors Lucy and Hope.

Lucy: By keyboard is covered in grease.
Hope: Is that why you typed "BY keyboard is covered in grease"? Cause your fingers are slipping around? That's awesome. My desk is covered in crumbs.
Lucy: Haha I didn't even notice! If someone ever needed to use my computer I'd be mortified.
Hope: Yeah...I hate Fridays because I have to work at someone else's desk which requires that I actually RID said desk of crumbs before I leave. What's THAT about?!
Hope: Hey, you know what? I get supremely irritated with any task that requires me to leave my seat. I'm so LAZY!
Lucy: Me too! I HATE photocopying large amounts of things in one go because I have to STAND.

Yup, that there's an example of some exemplary work habits, folks. Exemplary.

As I was in the middle of the below conversation over email with The Only Person At Work I Socialize With- we'll call her TOPAWISW for the purpose of this narration- a realization came to me. That realization was that I have a fantastic work ethic. Really. It's fantastic. Or at least highly above average. Consider the following:

Picture Hope...sitting at her desk hard at work. Staring at the computer until her eyes are sore. Painstakingly finding the important information that her boss had asked her for. Working hard so that she can get that information to her boss in a timely fashion. Searching...searching...searching for...wait...that's not a spreadsheet! Thats The Superficial up on Hope's screen! And...she's not emailing the information that she painstakingly found for her boss...she's emailing a friend?! A friend that works just one office over and is ALSO supposed to be working?!! What?!

This is hilarious.

TOPAWISW: That is the WORST picture I have EVER seen of either one of those super-tramps!
And it’s a funny story to boot.

HOPE: I know! Talk about Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Or DUMB as the case may be. Denise definitely found someone more her speed in Pam (new BFF) than in Heather L (ex BFF). Not that Heather L comes across as a rocket scientist…but definitely seems brighter than Denise and Pam. I think Heather’s better off without her Ex-BFF.
This is of course because I know them personally and can make such a judgment.

TOPAWISW: True that!
AND…pam and denise look HAGGARD!!! Is that what having kids does to you or is that just naked aging? Cuz what ever it is – it’s grim.

HOPE: I think its naked aging AND having 70’s/80’s combination hair. It is grim…I agree with you there. Maybe, at least in Pam’s case, when you have giant fake boobs, you feel you don’t have to worry about your face because you think nobody’s looking at it anyway.

TOPAWISW: I think that you have hit the nail on the head, my friend.
I have so much energy right now. I am kind of scaring myself. It must have been that walk I took. I have not hit the 3 o’clock slump yet. I actually feel productive – call Guinness!

HOPE: Whoa. Slow down man! You’re not used to this pace! You’ll hit a wall! You have to work UP to that level of productivity…you can’t just go right to the top- your body will rebel!

TOPAWISW: I will CRASH pretty hard this evening. I just know it. Oh my God! Maybe this is the key to a good night’s sleep!

HOPE: You may gain the key to a good night’s sleep but think of what you’ll be LOSING. You would be losing your Slacker Status. And then you could no longer be my BFF I’m afraid…

TOPAWISW: Painting one picture does not necessarily make me a painter.
I do not ever see this condition repeating itself. My slacker privileges will be safe, I assure you.

HOPE: That's a relief- I can't have the only person I socialize with at work be someone who actually WORKS!


Friday, November 03, 2006


The internet is a horrible device for those of us with a mild case of hypochondria. I wonder if emergency rooms have seen an increase in people coming for weird illnesses they’re convinced they have due to Googling their symptoms. For example, here is an exchange that occurred between the two contributors of Very Important Blog this afternoon:

Hope: There's a website titled "All About My Vagina" and it’s at HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Lucy: Hahaha did you see this in the back of Bitch Magazine or something? It looks like it's right up their alley, so to speak.

Hope: No when I was googling symptoms. The internet is a horrible device for hypochondriacs...

Lucy: I KNOW! This year I thought I had a neurological problem, diabetes and herpes all because of the internet.

Hope: HAHAHAHA. I thought I had the betes too back when my hands were going numb! What neurological problem did you think you had?

Lucy: I had my hand numbness, and muscle spasms at the same time. I thought I had like Parkinsons or MS or something. And then when you go a googlin', and they're like "do you pee alot? Well, it may be cancer."

Hope: HAHAHAHA or you could be pregnant.

Lucy: Maybe I'm pregnant with a fetus with a neurological condition!


Terrible. Just terrible. :)

One wonders what happened in the bathroom before you got there when you enter to find the floor littered with Smarties.