Friday, August 17, 2007


Last night, as I sat in my cave, watching the news on the magic box, I...

...ok, ok...FINE....I wasn't watching the news. Everybody knows I don't watch the news, nor do I read the news PAPER. (Couldn't just leave it alone and let me tell my story could you? Had to call me out for never watching anything with more substance than Entertainment Tonight didn't you!? Sheesh. Blog readers these days...)

Anyway...I was watching My Name is Earl (happy now?!) and during the commercial break, they reviewed the headlines that would be airing on News at 11. In said highlights, they covered one of the funniest news stories I've heard in a long time. The news anchor reported that in a Baltimore area park, three people were attacked by...

...wait for it...


Wait...what?! A rabid what? First, being the extremely immature human being that I am, I had to do a little Beevis and Butt Head inspired chuckling at the word beaver. ("Huh huh...she said beaver".) But even when one's mind is not totally residing in the gutter, the fact that people were attacked by a rabid beaver is still REALLY FUNNY. (Yes, probably not to the people who were attacked, but we're not concerning ourselves with them at the moment.)

I mean picture it...people pack a picnic lunch and drive to the reservoir with hopes high and visions of sparkling swimming holes dancing in their heads. They relax, maybe eat a little something, then slip into the water for some good ol' fashioned aquatic fun.

Then, out of nowhere...cue Jaws music....NOW!...Duh duh....duh duh....duh duh...stealthily making it's way towards the happy group comes...duh duh...duh duh...DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH RABID BEAVER! Screams of terror ensue as Rabid Beaver, Monty Python style, latches onto the throat of one of the unsuspecting swimmers, sending the rest into a panic.

Terrifying, yet oddly hilarious, no?

I'm sure that when describing the scene in years to come, the victims- when confronted with the ill concealed snickers of their audience- will say something like:

Well, that was no ordinary beaver! That was the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered marmot you ever set eyes on! Look, that beaver had a vicious streak a mile wide! It was a killer! He had huge, sharp-- eh-- he can swim about-- look at the bones!

And their audience will nod indulgently and poor Rabid Beaver Victim, realizing that his or her attempts at drama are futile, will slink away to join the other remaining Beaver Victims at the bar to reminisce about that sunny day at the park where they all were attacked by the very real, very alive...

Rabid Beaver of Loch Raven Reservoir.

Thursday, August 16, 2007


Yes, dear friends, Brain is back and has shed the unflattering, yet previously apt, monikers of Crotchety and Old. Brain, although not un-crotchety enough to warrant being called Young and Perky, has at least upgraded to Grumpy. Which is an improvement!

What has Brain been up to in the last few months you ask? Well, my cherished readers, it’s been a harrowing couple of months for Brain I’ll tell you that. We last left Brain teetering precariously close to The Cliffs of Deadbeat. Brain had stopped producing ideas and was lounging around Skull’s property with no regard to rent or payment of any kind- and as you remember, Skull was through with such nonsense! The eviction notice went up and Skull waited for payment. And waited. And waited. (Skull is a Slum Lord yes, but Skull does have some compassion, and Skull gave Brain much longer than most Slum Lords would have to pay up.)

But alas, Ideas never came, and Skull remained unpaid. So Skull did what any self respecting Skull Lord would do and threw Brain’s belongings (there weren’t many) out on the sidewalk.


You’d think Brain would have straightened up and flown right so to speak, after all, Brain was homeless! But no, my friends, Brain became content...that's right... living in a van, down by the river. And what was worse, Brain even resorted to using the paper that used to serve as Idea Collectors for nothing but rollin’ doobies!

Sigh. Where was Chris Farley when Brain needed him? Brain clearly needed a good talkin' to.

Anyhow, Brain lived the Van Life for awhile, and enjoyed it thoroughly (‘who needs a Skull anyway”), but quickly ran out of paper for doobie rollin’ and that’s when life got hard. Eventually, Brain was even forced out of the van when Repo Man came to collect Past Due Van Payments. After that, Brain found that living in a VAN down by the river is fun, but just living down by the river is a drag.

So Brain dragged Brainself out of the proverbial Gutter, and scrounged together Some Ideas. After a few practice runs, Brain got back into the swing of things and it wasn’t long before Brain was able to use Brain’s Considerable Wit and Dashing Good Looks to charm the way back into Skull Village. (Skull’s a sucker for Considerable Wit and Dashing Good Looks.)

So in conclusion, Brain is back, but Brain knows that if Brain slacks on Ideas again, that Skull won’t be so forgiving. After all- Hell Hath No Fury Like a Skull Scorned.

So Brain, don’t go get all lazy and rest on the laurels of this one lousy post ya’ deadbeat. Are you listening to me, Brain?! Brain!!!

Future Laziness will Not Be Tolerated.