RABID RODENTS DO NOT A HAPPY SWIMMING HOLE MAKE
Last night, as I sat in my cave, watching the news on the magic box, I...
...ok, ok...FINE....I wasn't watching the news. Everybody knows I don't watch the news, nor do I read the news PAPER. (Couldn't just leave it alone and let me tell my story could you? Had to call me out for never watching anything with more substance than Entertainment Tonight didn't you!? Sheesh. Blog readers these days...)
Anyway...I was watching My Name is Earl (happy now?!) and during the commercial break, they reviewed the headlines that would be airing on News at 11. In said highlights, they covered one of the funniest news stories I've heard in a long time. The news anchor reported that in a Baltimore area park, three people were attacked by...
...wait for it...
A RABID BEAVER.
Wait...what?! A rabid what? First, being the extremely immature human being that I am, I had to do a little Beevis and Butt Head inspired chuckling at the word beaver. ("Huh huh...she said beaver".) But even when one's mind is not totally residing in the gutter, the fact that people were attacked by a rabid beaver is still REALLY FUNNY. (Yes, probably not to the people who were attacked, but we're not concerning ourselves with them at the moment.)
I mean picture it...people pack a picnic lunch and drive to the reservoir with hopes high and visions of sparkling swimming holes dancing in their heads. They relax, maybe eat a little something, then slip into the water for some good ol' fashioned aquatic fun.
Then, out of nowhere...cue Jaws music....NOW!...Duh duh....duh duh....duh duh...stealthily making it's way towards the happy group comes...duh duh...duh duh...DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH RABID BEAVER! Screams of terror ensue as Rabid Beaver, Monty Python style, latches onto the throat of one of the unsuspecting swimmers, sending the rest into a panic.
Terrifying, yet oddly hilarious, no?
I'm sure that when describing the scene in years to come, the victims- when confronted with the ill concealed snickers of their audience- will say something like:
Well, that was no ordinary beaver! That was the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered marmot you ever set eyes on! Look, that beaver had a vicious streak a mile wide! It was a killer! He had huge, sharp-- eh-- he can swim about-- look at the bones!
And their audience will nod indulgently and poor Rabid Beaver Victim, realizing that his or her attempts at drama are futile, will slink away to join the other remaining Beaver Victims at the bar to reminisce about that sunny day at the park where they all were attacked by the very real, very alive...
Rabid Beaver of Loch Raven Reservoir.