Monday, January 22, 2007


Has this ever happened to you?

You enter a bathroom, prepare to do your bidness, and go to take a seat. Then, due to the fact that the particular toilet you’re using is shorter than the one you are accustomed to, you experience momentary panic on the way down- right at the level where your usual toilet would be located. The following quickly runs through your mind:

“Oh shit…I’m going down…did I sit too far to the right? AM I MISSING THE TOILET COMPLETELY? Am I about to fall-bare ass first-on the dirty bathroom floor?!?! CAN I NOT EVEN BE TRUSTED WITH THE SIMPLE TASK OF TAKING A LEAK?!?!"

Only to have a wave of relief wash over you when PLUNK, you hit the toilet seat and not the floor and realize that this toilet must just be lower than the one you’re used to. Phew.

What’s that? You say that’s never happened to you?


Well…uh… mind. Me either. I was just thinking that it COULD happen...and this would probably be what it would be like if it did...uh...happen.

Thursday, January 18, 2007


From the New York Post:

January 18, 2007 -- This bum really can't catch a break - an Upper East Side antiques dealer has filed a million-dollar lawsuit demanding the vagrant vamoose from the sidewalk grate in front of his shop.
The less fortunate often loiter in front of Karl Kemp and Associates Antiques at 833 Madison Ave., standing on the small grate for heat, but Kemp says they're cooling off his business by blocking the shop window...
"You make a wonderful effort to have an attractive window, people come out from the building next door, they don't see him and they trip over him," he said. "It happened twice last August. One lady hurt herself." (Emphasis mine)

That's awful! I mean, what are the homeless doing trying to get warm in front of this poor man's shop?! Don't they see they're ruining the wonderful effort that he spends to have an attractive window? Rich people don't want to see bums getting warm when they're on the way to pay entirely too much money for a piece of furniture- it makes them feel uncomfortable! And uncomfortable rich people do not Patrons of Over Priced Antiques make! Which hurts business!!!

Seriously. What are they going to do- repossess this dude’s house? Maybe his car? Maybe they’ll just impound his shopping cart until he pays.

And what about the lady who "hurt herself"? All you have to do to avoid a Tripped Over A Homeless Person and Broke a Hip accident is to look where you're going. If you hurt yourself falling over a full grown person sitting on the street, you don't deserve to walk.


Wednesday, January 17, 2007

TO MAKE US ALL MORE SMARTER's Word of the Day is:

foofaraw \FOO-fuh-raw\, noun:1. Excessive or flashy ornamentation or decoration.2. A fuss over a matter of little importance.

What a fun word! FOO-fuh-raw. FOOOOOOO-fuh-raw. I will now attempt to use it in a sentence...

"The holiday's are much more fun if you don't get caught up in all of the shopping foofaraw. "

Neato. New words are phun. I will try to use it at least three times today in order to cement it into my everyday vocabulary. I'll let you know how that works out for me.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007


You decide.

*I love Mr. Tyler and wish him no emotional harm due to this post. It's ok Steven, it was just an unflattering moment caught in freeze frame. We know you can still rock the mic AND the leather pants.


Well, its now 8pm* on MLK day, a day that I had home from work and on which I hoped to do many important and exciting things...and my ass is still on the couch. Have I done anything exciting today? No. I did yoga with the help of my trusty Rodney Yee videos. I ate some cereal. I cleaned the cage of my geriatric guinea pig. I cleaned my bathroom. And I sat in front of my laptop and wasted time on the internet. Wow. That's a sorry way to spend a day off.

At least I'm showered and dressed- although that's little consolation since I'm STILL IN THE HOUSE.

Ugg. I'm such a sluggard.

*When I wrote this my home computer wasn't allowing blogger to function properly, so I had to save it and post it today.

Friday, January 12, 2007


Now that a lot of states are voting on a smoking ban for bars and restaurants, I know that there is a concern (I know I’M concerned) over what will become of those poor sections previously reserved as ‘smoking’. I for one think that these Smoking Sections will begin to feel useless and out of touch and may develop serious issues with their self esteem. This can not be. Citizens, we cannot stand by and let these voters make poor innocent tables and chairs feel as though they have no purpose just because we wish to protect our lungs from cancer.

So here’s what I propose:

I propose that all the sections previously reserved as smoking sections now be reserved for families/people with children (excluding bars OBVIOUSLY). Who among us has not been trying to enjoy a nice relaxed meal only to have it ruined by the screaming of some young child? I venture to guess that none of us has been immune to such inconsiderate ruckuses.

Those among us who like children (I am not included in this group) will still be able to see their cute little faces from across the room so that comments such as “Awww, look…she’s so CUUUUTTTTEEEE” can still be dispensed while giving pointed glances to Significant Others- except without being in direct proximity of the NOISE that comes with the Cute Little Face. This would also benefit Pointed Glance Givers, because the Mr./Mrs. Significant will be able to see the Cute Little Face without the noise ruining the point you are raising about the Case of the Biological Clock.

And for those of us who generally don’t like children (I say generally because sometimes even baby haters like myself are partial to one or two of them on an individual case by case basis) the benefits are obvious. Although you still may hear a scream or two wafting through the air- just like smoke would sometimes creep from the Smoking to Nonsmoking sections- the horrid little person emitting that scream will not be RIGHT BEHIND YOU. The distance will also be beneficial in preventing Seat Kicking Incidents, Staring Over the Back of the Booth and Drooling into Your Hair Incidents, and Crumbs All Up Under the Table from the Child Who Came Before Incidents. I don’t have anything against people with kids, I just don’t want to have to whip out the Death Stare in the middle of an otherwise pleasant meal- it ruins the mood for everyone.

This brings me to my next point- that having a Special Section for families with kids also helps the parents. I know some parents don’t give a crap about the comfort of others, but many do and many feel uncomfortable when they are directly associated with a screaming child. The Special Section will keep these uncomfortable feelings at bay by keeping parents protected from Big Sighs and Death Stares from the other diners and:

Everyone will dine in peace and harmony.

So please…consider my proposal. Write your senators, contact your local representative, and call your mom. Whatever you need to do to get the word out.

Thank you for your time.

Thursday, January 11, 2007


Ok, I know I'm a little slow on the uptake here, but hey...its not the 12th yet, so De-Lurking Week is still goin' on!

I also don't actually think people other than my two other office slave friends actually ever READ this, but you never know. I could have lurkers out there everywhere and just not know it!!!

**claps hands excitedly*