Friday, January 12, 2007


Now that a lot of states are voting on a smoking ban for bars and restaurants, I know that there is a concern (I know I’M concerned) over what will become of those poor sections previously reserved as ‘smoking’. I for one think that these Smoking Sections will begin to feel useless and out of touch and may develop serious issues with their self esteem. This can not be. Citizens, we cannot stand by and let these voters make poor innocent tables and chairs feel as though they have no purpose just because we wish to protect our lungs from cancer.

So here’s what I propose:

I propose that all the sections previously reserved as smoking sections now be reserved for families/people with children (excluding bars OBVIOUSLY). Who among us has not been trying to enjoy a nice relaxed meal only to have it ruined by the screaming of some young child? I venture to guess that none of us has been immune to such inconsiderate ruckuses.

Those among us who like children (I am not included in this group) will still be able to see their cute little faces from across the room so that comments such as “Awww, look…she’s so CUUUUTTTTEEEE” can still be dispensed while giving pointed glances to Significant Others- except without being in direct proximity of the NOISE that comes with the Cute Little Face. This would also benefit Pointed Glance Givers, because the Mr./Mrs. Significant will be able to see the Cute Little Face without the noise ruining the point you are raising about the Case of the Biological Clock.

And for those of us who generally don’t like children (I say generally because sometimes even baby haters like myself are partial to one or two of them on an individual case by case basis) the benefits are obvious. Although you still may hear a scream or two wafting through the air- just like smoke would sometimes creep from the Smoking to Nonsmoking sections- the horrid little person emitting that scream will not be RIGHT BEHIND YOU. The distance will also be beneficial in preventing Seat Kicking Incidents, Staring Over the Back of the Booth and Drooling into Your Hair Incidents, and Crumbs All Up Under the Table from the Child Who Came Before Incidents. I don’t have anything against people with kids, I just don’t want to have to whip out the Death Stare in the middle of an otherwise pleasant meal- it ruins the mood for everyone.

This brings me to my next point- that having a Special Section for families with kids also helps the parents. I know some parents don’t give a crap about the comfort of others, but many do and many feel uncomfortable when they are directly associated with a screaming child. The Special Section will keep these uncomfortable feelings at bay by keeping parents protected from Big Sighs and Death Stares from the other diners and:

Everyone will dine in peace and harmony.

So please…consider my proposal. Write your senators, contact your local representative, and call your mom. Whatever you need to do to get the word out.

Thank you for your time.

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