I'LL HAVE THE PORTOBELLO MUSHROOM ON FOCCHACIA WITH A SIDE OF DOUCHBAG
In the city where I live, there are several places that I frequent due to the atmosphere and the lack of types of people that I would rather not socialize with on my off time. Therefore, I frequent establishments that tend to cater to the Brooding Self Important Artist crowd and the Covered In Head to Toe Irony Hipster crowd. So imagine my surprise when I was seated at a favorite dining establishment (which is located in the center of the "Arts and Entertainment District" and across from the Quaintly Run Down and Slightly Grungy Indie Movie Theater) and there sitting next to me were four people who clearly...
Did Not Fit In.
The first indication that these people Were Different was that each of the males in the party (there were three) were each dressed in something Polo.
Now, a Polo shirt in and of itself, is not a crime. There is nothing wrong with them (unless the collar is flipped up which is an entirely different matter). But when the whole table is decked out in Polo, it gives off a very specific vibe...
Now, although I was surprised to see them, just their difference in appearance alone was not enough to warrant disdain. We here at the Very Important Blog are tolerant of differences in others, and if Head to Toe Polo is someone's bag, then rock on with your Polo self. No, no. The disdain came after the actions of these Polo People were observed and duly noted.
There were several offenses (I will list them below, saving the worst of which for the very last):
Misdemeanor #1: The Girl with Huge Rock was clearly Tanorexic. Disappointing, but not too serious. We'll just give her a fine.
Misdemeanor #2: The young man who happens to "Like Young Bitches" conversed at length about the country club sports he was clearly the master off. Again, irritatingly ridiculous, but not too serious. We'll give him a fine too.
Now we will move on to Felonies- which in our great system of government require trial by a jury of one's peers. I will let the jury decide their fates for the following:
Felony #1: Likes Young Bitches and Pale Yellow Polo Sweater found out they were brothers of the same frat which resulted in an elaborate display of Arguing about The Proper Execution of the Frat Handshake.
Felony #2: Likes Young Bitches and Pale Yellow Polo Sweater engage in a complicated verbal duel of "I Was More Important in the Frat When I Was There Than You Were When You Were There". This included descriptions of "Officer Robes" which were shed during sex with, I can only infer, Young Bitches; and other attempts at Frat One Upmanship.
Felony #3: The males at the table had lengthy discussions on which one of them the waitress was hot for and which one "could totally bang her" (I assure you, it was none of them).
Now, the topic of sex brings us to the most grave of offenses. Those with delicate constitutions may want to skip to the end.
(I shudder even while I type.)
Felony #4- With charges of Douchbaggery in the First Degree
Pale Yellow Polo Sweater, whenever attempting to communicate that sexual relations had occurred, or would hopefully occur, between him and a member of the opposite sex (or between a friend whose story he was relating and a member of the opposite sex)...instead of saying "had sex", "banged", "screwed", "porked", "poked", or even "fucked" would instead...
...bend his arms at the elbow making a 90 degree angle, pump them back and forth while simultaneously...
(wait for it...)
...thrusting his hips in the opposite direction.
Did this occur one time? Which was clearly, CLEARLY enough? No. No it didn't ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It occurred NO LESS than FOUR TIMES. Each time more pumps were added, so the amount of time the embarrassing display went on increased accordingly (me thinks the number of pumps were directly correlated to the number of drinks that had been consumed). Also, this action is ridiculous enough when someone is standing and has freedom of movement. Think of what it would look like if someone was seated in a chair, at a table, in a restaurant.
Seriously. I don't think I've seen anyone do that (excluding Will Farrell in Wedding Crashers- "MA! The MEAT-loaf!") since I was twelve and the people doing it were also twelve.
Do you know how utterly excruciating it was not to mock Yellow Sweater right to his face (tables were REALLY close so I was practically sitting across from him)? It was TERRIBLE. I think I should seek damages due to the emotional pain and suffering I endured by having to hold in said mockery.
So ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there you go. All accounts of the Douchbaggery that I was forced to witness on an otherwise pleasant Saturday evening.
Will you not do the right thing?
Will justice not be served?