Tuesday, March 20, 2007


Everyone has at least one of those people at their workplace that rolls their eyes and acts like you're a filthy peasant any time you dare to ask them a simple(and reasonable!) question. They usually roll their eyes and scrunch their face up in an extremely unflattering expression, because how dare you waste their time with such trivial nonsense?!

Well, one of my friends at work (ok, lets be honest...my ONLY friend at work- we'll call her Work Friend) had a run in with one of these Eye Rollers yesterday. Work Friend happened to be in another building of our place of employment looking to speak with someone there. She didn't know what this person looked like (she works in a different building and has only worked there since about July) and ended up making the mistake of asking the very person she was looking for where she could be found. WELL! Instead of saying "That's me" like most reasonable people would do, muchas rolling of los ojos and scrunching up of la cara ensued. HOW DARE Work Friend make such a grievous error in the midst of Such an Important Person!

Was the Roller of Los Ojos wearing a name tag? No. Was the Roller of Los Ojos standing in her office where there is a large name plate somewhere in direct view? No. Was the Roller of Los Ojos in the hallway looking like any other person who works in that building? Yes. Is she famous? No. Does she have an E! True Hollywood Story? No. Do people spend millions to purchase her eyelashes on Ebay? NO!

So...there's no reason why work friend should know who she is.

Work friend of course came to me to complain (and I since DO know the indentity of the Eye Roller and could relate- she can be identified by the snotty string of pearls that she always wears- although today the pearls were replaced with a scarf tied around her neck- ick) and after at least...oh...ten seconds of serious discussion, we came to the conclusion that This Person obviously has an Inflated Sense of Their Own Importance and therefore must be given an Appropriate Nickname and then be made fun of mercilessly- and so, the below email correspondence was born:

Hope: I've worked here the same amount of time and more people probably know who I am- and I am of course...a nobody- so what does that say about you S.Higgs? What does it say? It says that you're less known than the sad little Office Ass in room 301.

Work Friend: Yupper. Shiggs definitely suffers from delusions of grandeur.

Hope: Shiggs! A new nickname! To be placed among the other greats like- El Gordo, The Amish, The Curly Headed Minion, and the others!

It sounds like a skin condition.

Work Friend: Like scabies.

Hope: And ring worm.

Work Friend : Heh heh heh

Hope: Shiggs is a ring shaped fungus.

Work Friend: I think it is caused by a small bug that burrows under the skin…

Hope: Hmmm that might be more accurate. The pearls that the bug leaves behind as it's eating your dead skin cells causes extreme irritation and itching and comes with a nasty rash that almost always shows up on one's face.

Work Friend: It also causes the infected to lose control of their facial muscles. They develop uncontrollable facial tics and experience spontaneous nose crinkling.

Hope: Which can be abated slightly by wearing a scarf tied tightly around the neck, cutting off some blood circulation and therefore making the tics less severe.

Work Friend: Yes. Another common side-effect is a that the infected develops a predilection for auto-erotic asphyxiation. On account of the developing fondness for tight neckerchiefs.

Hope: Although the increasing severity of the tics and facial rash over time if left untreated causes the patient to be less and less able to indulge in their fetish with others due to the patient's growing unattractiveness.

Work Friend: Yes. I have heard that it also causes the skin to turn fake-and-bake yam-colored and causes facial features to appear tight and pinched.

Hope: And patients that have progressed as far as the Yam Stage tend to be sexually frustrated due to the unwillingness of others to engage in their favored sexual practices with them. This results in increasing irritability and unfriendliness in the patient due to the patient's lack of prospects.

Work Friend:
She looks terrible - I hear she's got the Shiggs

Hope: Gasp. I believe she DOES have the Shiggs. And a very advanced stage I would guess, judging by the Yam Colored skin and the propensity for running people over with her car- which indicates the increased irritability commonly associated with the Yam Stage.

Work Friend: It truly is a devastating disease. We need your support. For just pennies a day we could * Cure* Shiggs. Please – make a donation today! With your help we can see an end to yam-faced, pearl-encrusted, neckerchief-wearing auto-eroticism enthusiasm associated with Shiggs in our life-time .

Hope: We need to raise Shiggs awareness in our society! There needs to be a Shiggs ribbon to put on cars. We should have a walk-a-thon.

Work Friend: Definitely a walk-a-thon. A phone-a-thon, like for Jerry's kids would be excellent! That is a cause that I can get behind 100%. We should have t-shirts and bumper stickers made – Stop Shiggs now!

Hope: Hahaha. And we could sell scarves as a fundraiser!

Work Friend: Scarves dotted with stop signs that read Shiggs instead of STOP. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

We're geniuses. Why does no one realize that? Think of what we could do in marketing.

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