I WILL WEAR IT PROUDLY UNTIL THE END OF TIME

It is amazingly gross here on the East Coast. Chilly, with added bonus of Rain, Flooding, and Overabundance of Office Air-conditioning. But you know what? It did not ruin my day. How you ask? How did the weather not ruin the day of someone whose day is already somewhat ruined by Having To Work in the First Place?

Well Gentle Readers, my day was saved by the greatest rainy day invention of all time:

The Swobe.

I keep one stashed in my office for the very times of which we speak, and today…I have to say…the Swobe Saved the Day. Just slap a big S on the back of said swobe and call it Super Swobe. Swobe the Magnificent. Queen Swobe. Swobe the Swell. Long live the Swobe!

Long. Live. The. Swobe.

SPEAKING OF SIMPLE...

I just tried to revive my tired blog by changing the template and colors...and...um...after trying many different things...I think I "changed it" into almost an exact replica of its former self.

Except perhaps a tad uglier.

DOH.

I AM SUCH A SIMPLE SOUL...

The dumbest stuff causes me the most amusement. Today on the way to work the DJ referred to someone tailgating as 'being a total barnicle' and I laughed (out loud) to myself for at least five minutes.

Barnicle, people. Barnicle.

*Thanks to Elliot of DC 101 for making up that phrase and thus making being stuck in traffic totally worthwhile.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

IT'S OVER! IT'S FINALLY OVER!

Today is November 30 which means....NABLOPOMO is at an end! WOOHOO! Ring the bells! Sound the retreat!

Why the excitement you say? Why should I be excited about something I most certainly half-assed anyway? Why? WHY?!

Because even though I half-assed (and that's...literally half-assed...I don't think I posted even HALF of 30 posts during the month of November) it still caused me stress and anxiety when I would occasionally remember that I was supposed to be participating- reminding me that I was not even TRYING to make an effort. And that for every day that I was not posting- not even TRYING to post- after saying that I would at least try- I was FAILING.

But...then I thought, you know...instead of feeling like a Failure, I should feel like a Success! Because I am being a Success at Failing! And I should rejoice that I am proving to myself and others that I have not become Someone I'm Not. Someone that "wins" or "puts forth a lot of effort" or "gives a crap". I am, as I have always been and hopefully will always be, a Quitter.

I Procrastinate ("I can't post now! My hair needs to be checked thoroughly for split ends!" or "I can't post now! My shoe laces are in obvious need of being unlaced and then laced again!"). I Make Excuses ("Uh...my charger broke...causing me to lose so much momentum that I just can not possibly be expected to pick back up in two hours when my laptop finishes recharging. I just can not possibly recover from that kind of a set back. Honestly.")

And when it comes down to it, I'm just plain Lazy. Why post when you could...uh...not post?

Yes my friends, I am a Quitter. I don't "persevere" when "faced with obstacles". I don't "try harder" when "experiencing minor setbacks".

I never have. Some might say that makes me a "slacker" or an "underachiever". Someone who's "going nowhere". But you know what I say? I say it makes me "consistent".

So I may be a Quitter, but I'm always a quitter. No surprises here. Nope. Not a one. What I have not accomplished today I will not have accomplished tomorrow. Or a week from now. Or when I'm 60.

You can have your "goals" and your "satisfaction at a job well done".

When you're old and worn out and tired of carrying around the burden of your many achievements, you can leave your penthouse, sell your personal jet, and come hang out with me. You'll be able to find me. Just look around. I'll be the one smiling, with my feet up...

...livin' in that van down by the river.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING A DAY LATE!

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was spectacular! Filled with food and friends and love. :)

WAY CUTE OR PASS THE AIRSICK BAG?

Am I being a curmudgeon or is the sight of a couple high-fiving while in line at the supermarket totally vomit worthy?

Please let me know so I can adjust my viewpoint accordingly.

HOW 80’s AND EARLY 90’s POP CULTURE, LIKE, TOTALLY SAVED THE DAY:

Here’s how my morning started:

• Got up a half hour early to go to the bank.
• Left my house in the rain.
• Realized 10 minutes after leaving my house that my feet were already Wet, Slimy, and Cold.
• Completed the 30 Minute That Should Only Have Been 10 But People Suck At Driving trip to the bank only to find…the bank is CLOSED. Apparently THAT branch doesn’t open until 12pm. Stupid branch. Stupid bank.
• Began the drive back to work- already late due to my totally wasted effort.

Crappy start to an Already Crappy Because I Have to Go To Work Again Day, no? Oui, I thought so too.

BUT. BUT…this day has since been rescued! Yes, I realize I should probably be embarrassed by what I’m about to tell you, but hey…I work at a boring job where I am chained to my desk for 8 hours a day…it doesn’t take much to Cause Unwarranted Excitement and Overall Glee.

SO. I know you’re dying to know what caused such glee.

FIRST. On the rainy, dreary, feet are still wet drive back I heard…(on a supposedly normal radio station-I have since reevaluated said station)…THE SPICE GIRLS.

And not their latest Attempt at a Comeback which I’m trying very hard to ignore (I mean, seriously…do they really think they can bring back the Girl Power? They’re all, like, MOMS n’ stuff. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a mom…and they’re still hot- I should be so lucky- but its just…not the same.) No, no, this was an oldie. And oh yes, I sang along.

“Tell me what you want what you really really want. I’ll TELL you what I want what I really really want…Everybody’s down and wine is all around!”

If those aren’t some quality lyrics, I don’t know what are!

(Cue feelings of Shame and Embarrassment for ignoring the Don’t Do That Alarm in my brain and actually typing those lyrics out.)

SECOND. I found out that there are THREE (count em’ three!) blogs devoted solely to 80’s Tween Lit.

1. The Dairi Burger- Recaps the old Sweet Valley High books with added commentary. AWESOME. I read all of them, and it’s totally fun to look back and see them lovingly broken down by Each Individual Ridiculous Element.
2. BSC Headquarters- Much like The Dairy Burger, except this blog critiques the Babysitters Club. ALSO AWESOME. I read all these books as well. (And yes, I was a Total Geek growing up, thank you.)
3. What Claudia Wore- Chronicles the ‘Artsy and, Like, Totally Fashion Forward’ style of Claudia Kishi- also Babysitters Club if for some like, totally, unacceptable reason you didn’t already know that. Posts are broken down Outfit by- what was she thinking?!- Outfit.

So…let's summarize:

The Spice Girls, Sweet Valley High, AND the Babysitters Club.

AND ALL BEFORE LUNCHTIME!

My day is complete. Even my slimy feet couldn’t bring me down off this Hot Pink Eighties cloud. Throw in the Goonies and I’d probably pee my pants.


Thanks to Feministing for the tip!

HELLO, YOU'VE REACHED HOPE'S VOICEMAIL. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM LEAVING A MESSAGE. THANK YOU.

Why do people think voicemail is there for them to leave actual MESSAGES? Don’t people know how many STEPS it takes to check one’s voicemail and how unnecessary it is when cell phones have caller ID and I already know who called? I don’t NEED you to leave a message. All I need is to see that you called, at which point I will call you back. Or not, depending on Who You Are. Collection agencies need not apply.

Most troublesome are messages that consist of nothing more than “Hey it’s __________. Call me back.” Yes, I KNOW it’s you and using my Above Average Powers of Deduction I have already come to the conclusion that you Want Me To Call You Back.

As with any Great Rule, however, there ARE exceptions, which Include But Are Not Limited To the following:

1. I don’t know you, have never talked to you, and therefore wouldn’t recognize your number.
2. You have a Really Great Anecdote that you are DYING to tell someone (or someone’s voicemail in the absence of Actual Person) and if you don’t get to verbalize said Really Great Anecdote immediately you’ll just EXPLODE.
3. You need to communicate something but your Train Is About To Go Through A Tunnel or you’re About To Enter A Movie Theater or some other Activity That Would Render You Unavailable should I call you right back.
4. You don’t need me to call you back, you just need to Tell Me Something.

That being said, I suppose that my problem with voicemail messages is really just limited to those people who frequently call me just to say hi and always leave the same message…(“Hi, it’s me, call me back”)…even after I’ve told them that I don’t ever check their messages, I just call them right back. And upon further reflection, I suppose there are really only one or two people who do this…none of whom read this blog.

…so…maybe it’s not really a problem at all.

Maybe I should stop writing now.

BECAUSE I AM THE MOST WORTHLESS EMPLOYEE EVER TO WANDER THE EARTH...

....THIS was the only worthwhile thing I accomplished in the 8 hours I've been sitting at my desk today:

But look how cute! It was a picture just begging to be LOLCAT-ed.

(Click on the picture to go make one of your own!)

DOES ORANGE MAKE MY SINKS LOOK FAT?

Lately I've noticed that two workplace bathrooms consistently smell like Skittles.

Before that I discovered Smarties loitering about the bathroom floor.

The next logical step would be arriving to find Oompa Loompas cleaning the toilets.

I shall keep watch for them.

I'll let you know when they arrive.

.

SHARK BREAK!

This thing is way fun- and it actually IS relaxing seeing the little Shark or Orca follow your cursor around. The Shark is more graceful and therefore more relaxing, but the Orca is more fun cause it's FAT. You can change the Creature and Scenery by clicking on the pictures above and to the left. Enjoy yet another way to slack off and not do what you're presumably being paid to do right now! :)





http://www.sharkbreak.com/

I EAT. THEREFORE I AM.

So...I'm going to dinner tonight with a friend I haven't seen in a long time- but who at one point was a Very Good Friend. I am excited to see her. HOWEVER, I am filled with apprehension about one aspect of the reunion.

This friend is one of those Tiny People. TINY. Now, I have no problem with Tiny People as long as the Tiny Person in question can put away some chow like a champ. Because I can put away some chow like a champ. I am a Food Queen. Anything daring to refer to itself as Entertainment should have food involved- and I have trained myself in Food Stamina and Endurance accordingly throughout my life time. When I go out to eat, I EAT. And I don't like to go out with those who don't, cause what fun is that? Not fun at all, I tell you. It's like trying to get excited about the Crate and Barrel Holiday Inventory (very excited!) with a 19 Year Old Frat Boy- it just doesn't work. You have nothing in common.

Soooo....the problem is that I can't remember (we haven't hung out in almost 6 years) whether this is one of those Tiny People who stays tiny due to Freakishly Wicked Metabolism or one of those Tiny People who stays tiny due to the fact that she Just Doesn't Eat. Its a concern, for we're going to this Mexican restaurant where I am planning to, not only gorge myself on chips as soon as I arrive, but also order something Totally Disgusting And Hopefully Smothered In Cheese.

So...if she's one of those Just Doesn't Eat People- it will ruin my evening of Friendship Rekindling and Gluttony- and I don't want to have that severe a grievence against an Old Friend. I really don't.



Update- Tiny Friend proved to be still tiny but also accomplished in the art of Putting Away Food. Success! I knew she had to be my friend for a reason. I mean...would I actually associate myself long term with someone who Doesn't Eat?! The answer to that is no. No I would not.

BUT I WILL BE FOILED ON DAY THREE

DOH! I have failed NaBloPoMo on DAY THREE! This is a new low- even for me! The darn charger was not working again yesterday and when I tried to turn on the computer last night- NOTHING. AND my trusty sidekick was not here to hold in the charger while I frantically tried to type out at least two sentences before the computer went dead. So...no post. Day three- No Post. So...no prize for NaBloPoMo...BUT I will finish the race nonetheless. Hobbling and ragged perhaps, maybe missing a toe (Horrid Day Three NaBloPoMo Toe Accident) but I will cross the line at day 30 with 29 posts. :) Or maybe 28. Or 27. Or 26.

What can I say, I keep my goals Lofty. That's how we roll over here at Very Important Blog.

I WILL NOT BE FOILDED ON DAY TWO OF NABLOPOMO

Even though my computer charger is REALLY trying to do just that. It won't stay plugged in properly so that my laptop stays charged enough for me to come up with some extremely witty and entertaining post. Instead I have to explain why I am only writing two sentences while my sidekick manually holds the charger into the power source. Sad. So...more tomorrow. Hopefully!

Bye!

EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT!!

News News!

And here are our top stories for today:

A Very Important Blog is No Longer Doing Just. The. Bare. Minimum.: Why have we upped our standards closer to the level of our favorite Pretty Boy Brian? It's time for National Blog Posting Month that's why! I have officially signed up for NaBloPoMo which means that I will attempt to post something (anything!) each day during the month of November. Including weekends! I am hoping this will rejuvenate my Fast Becoming Boring and Stagnant and Not Very Important Blog into something resembling its Mildly Amusing But Still Not Very Important Former Self.

With any luck this will provide my Loyal Fan Base (wait a minute...what are those crickets doing in here...and is that a tumbleweed?) with something to read each day. I can't promise Quantity and I certainly can't promise Quality, but DAGNABBIT (I'm going with the whole tumbleweed/old west ghost town imagery here- work with me) I will provide you with SOMETHING.

New Domain Name- I started this blog to kind of well...make fun of blogs...but I quickly realized that it's FUN! There I said it- BLOGGING IS FUN! WHEE!!! Ahem...so anyway, when I started I used 'antiblogger' in my original domain name. However, after realizing that well...I have a Real Blog and therefore...am a Real Blogger- the ANTI didn't fit so much. And it was clunky and hard to remember. And it was starting to annoy me every time I saw it sitting there all smug at the top of my screen. So...I have a new one! The new and improved (and entirely truthful and completely un-ironic) domain name for this A Very Important Blog is...(drum roll please)....www.hopev.com.

See! How simple and easy to remember is that?! Blogger will be rerouting everybody who types in the old one to the new one, but if you want to drop the Old Clunky One and save this New and Improved One under your 'Favorites' we here at the Very Important Blog would like to encourage that. And you do want your Blogs to express themselves don't you?

Good.

We'd also like Our Readers (again with the crickets...where are they coming from?) to start wearing more Flair while checking in on the Blog. So...while you Get Right On That, I am going to go find something that I can write about tomorrow.

Geez....one measly post and I'm already tired...so very tired...I'm just going to put my head down on the keyboard for just a ....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

JUST YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD CRAZY...OUT FOR A DRIVE

Ever have one of those moments that start out as a well intentioned endeavor but, in the span of usually less than a minute, turn into....An Incident. An Incident is something that will cause you at the very least, Low Level Embarrassment that will last you an evening- and at the worst, Mighty Monstrous Mortification that will last you an entire lifetime. I had one of the former this afternoon. (Stories of my various Mighty Monstrous Mortifications are carefully preserved in the dusty back room in the Library Of My Brain and going through those annals is definitely For Another Day.)

So anyway, on to the Low Level Embarrassment of today.

I work at a fairly small institution (of the intellectual, not the mental, variety thank you very much), where you get to know everyone by sight if not by name. There's a professor at said institution that I have to be in contact with fairly often due to the particular nature of my servitude. He's a very nice person...older, ponytail, Birkenstocks, and T-shirt everyday without fail- in other words, Total Aging Hippy and Not Anyone I'd EVER Be Attracted To (so put those thoughts away you sicko). He's just one of those relaxed and confident Cool People...one of those people who if they talk to you in a more personal manner, you feel like YOU'RE cool too- cause you must be if this person is taking the time to converse.

Well, I've seen this person several times in my neighborhood, but keep forgetting to ask him if he lives around there- so today I when I saw him walking along the sidewalk when I turned onto my street I thought to my self:

Hmmm, I should say hi. That wouldn't be too hard would it?

Well, those could be considered the proverbial Famous Last Words, because it not only was apparently Too Hard for me, but it also turned into a full blown Incident.

First of all, I'm in a car, so right away this interaction is not going to be simple. Am I a Yells-to-People-on-the-Side-of-the-Road kind of person? No. I very much am not, but for some reason today I lost my senses and decided that I WAS one of those people. (Probably because I actually exercised after work today and apparently my Body and Brain can not be trusted to work in any sort of conjunction.)

Now...if the fact that I was about to yell to someone (who I don't know that well) on the side of the road wasn't an embarrassing enough procedure...it was complicated by the fact that I was also situated BEHIND him due to the two cars in front of me at the light. (Although, to clarify, this is not some busy intersection- it's a tiny one in my small city neighborhood. But still...)

So...against any better judgement (that wouldn't be MY better judgement, since I obviously don't have any)...down goes the window and...and...

...(takes deep breath)...

I YELL HIS NAME.

Instead of ignoring me like he probably should have...he swings around and...

..that's right...

I WAVE FRANTICALLY.

More than once. Probably about three times, which could be considered in such a small time frame- A Continuous Frantic Wave. Like out of the three possible cars, he's not going to see the one where the crazy person is waving hysterically.

That's when it really starts to go downhill. Wait, you say...worse than you have already made it for yourself? Yes, my friend...worse than I have already made it for myself.

Because now I think:

'Oh, maybe he doesn't see me through my windshield!' (Despite the fact that he's looking in my direction and my window is the customary Made of Clear Glass variety.) 'I think I should wave out of my sunroof!'

Well, ok, that might not have been TOTALLY horrid, except... my sunroof was not open. NOR had my sunroof been open more than maybe..maybe...twice this whole summer. Why did I think it would be open now? That I can not tell you my friends.

So my hand goes up with the amount of enthusiasm it had just demonstrated when waving (i.e. frantic and hysterical) and...that's right...crashes with a audible and somewhat painful 'THUMP' against the glass of my Almost Never Used Sunroof.

Sigh.

So then...because I can't just leave it there... I can't just leave The Embarrassing List at a mere FOUR...including but not limited to:

1. Yelling loudly from car to Person Minding Their Own Business on the Sidewalk.
2. Waving frantically.
3. Thinking person cannot see me through glass.
4. Slamming hand against Closed and Always Closed Sunroof.

I...(wait for it)...

TELL HIM WHO I AM.

As in...(wave, wave, THUMP, wave, wave)..."Its Hope!"

Wow. There's really nothing to say to that other than what he said which was:

"I can see that."

DOH!

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

"Um...right...well, uh...I've seen you walking here a couple times so I...uh...do you live around here?"

Turns out he does and was polite enough to make brief small talk (I had to watch for cars coming up behind me since I was blocking the way with this ridiculous display of well...ridiculousness), but seriously. Wow.

Smooth. Smooth all the way. If there was a SmoothFest in Smooth Town with a Grand Smooth Award given at the end, I would most certainly be the Grand Smooth Award Winner. Just call me Smoothy McSmootherson.

So....so much for being in the Cool Club. Tomorrow I'm back to eatin' lunch with the Freaks and Geeks- which...lets be honest...is probably a much safer place for me to be.

RABID RODENTS DO NOT A HAPPY SWIMMING HOLE MAKE

Last night, as I sat in my cave, watching the news on the magic box, I...

...ok, ok...FINE....I wasn't watching the news. Everybody knows I don't watch the news, nor do I read the news PAPER. (Couldn't just leave it alone and let me tell my story could you? Had to call me out for never watching anything with more substance than Entertainment Tonight didn't you!? Sheesh. Blog readers these days...)

Anyway...I was watching My Name is Earl (happy now?!) and during the commercial break, they reviewed the headlines that would be airing on News at 11. In said highlights, they covered one of the funniest news stories I've heard in a long time. The news anchor reported that in a Baltimore area park, three people were attacked by...

...wait for it...


A RABID BEAVER.


Wait...what?! A rabid what? First, being the extremely immature human being that I am, I had to do a little Beevis and Butt Head inspired chuckling at the word beaver. ("Huh huh...she said beaver".) But even when one's mind is not totally residing in the gutter, the fact that people were attacked by a rabid beaver is still REALLY FUNNY. (Yes, probably not to the people who were attacked, but we're not concerning ourselves with them at the moment.)

I mean picture it...people pack a picnic lunch and drive to the reservoir with hopes high and visions of sparkling swimming holes dancing in their heads. They relax, maybe eat a little something, then slip into the water for some good ol' fashioned aquatic fun.

Then, out of nowhere...cue Jaws music....NOW!...Duh duh....duh duh....duh duh...stealthily making it's way towards the happy group comes...duh duh...duh duh...DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH RABID BEAVER! Screams of terror ensue as Rabid Beaver, Monty Python style, latches onto the throat of one of the unsuspecting swimmers, sending the rest into a panic.

Terrifying, yet oddly hilarious, no?

I'm sure that when describing the scene in years to come, the victims- when confronted with the ill concealed snickers of their audience- will say something like:

Well, that was no ordinary beaver! That was the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered marmot you ever set eyes on! Look, that beaver had a vicious streak a mile wide! It was a killer! He had huge, sharp-- eh-- he can swim about-- look at the bones!

And their audience will nod indulgently and poor Rabid Beaver Victim, realizing that his or her attempts at drama are futile, will slink away to join the other remaining Beaver Victims at the bar to reminisce about that sunny day at the park where they all were attacked by the very real, very alive...

Rabid Beaver of Loch Raven Reservoir.

BY GOLLY, BRAIN’S BACK!

Yes, dear friends, Brain is back and has shed the unflattering, yet previously apt, monikers of Crotchety and Old. Brain, although not un-crotchety enough to warrant being called Young and Perky, has at least upgraded to Grumpy. Which is an improvement!

What has Brain been up to in the last few months you ask? Well, my cherished readers, it’s been a harrowing couple of months for Brain I’ll tell you that. We last left Brain teetering precariously close to The Cliffs of Deadbeat. Brain had stopped producing ideas and was lounging around Skull’s property with no regard to rent or payment of any kind- and as you remember, Skull was through with such nonsense! The eviction notice went up and Skull waited for payment. And waited. And waited. (Skull is a Slum Lord yes, but Skull does have some compassion, and Skull gave Brain much longer than most Slum Lords would have to pay up.)

But alas, Ideas never came, and Skull remained unpaid. So Skull did what any self respecting Skull Lord would do and threw Brain’s belongings (there weren’t many) out on the sidewalk.

Well!

You’d think Brain would have straightened up and flown right so to speak, after all, Brain was homeless! But no, my friends, Brain became content...that's right... living in a van, down by the river. And what was worse, Brain even resorted to using the paper that used to serve as Idea Collectors for nothing but rollin’ doobies!

Sigh. Where was Chris Farley when Brain needed him? Brain clearly needed a good talkin' to.

Anyhow, Brain lived the Van Life for awhile, and enjoyed it thoroughly (‘who needs a Skull anyway”), but quickly ran out of paper for doobie rollin’ and that’s when life got hard. Eventually, Brain was even forced out of the van when Repo Man came to collect Past Due Van Payments. After that, Brain found that living in a VAN down by the river is fun, but just living down by the river is a drag.

So Brain dragged Brainself out of the proverbial Gutter, and scrounged together Some Ideas. After a few practice runs, Brain got back into the swing of things and it wasn’t long before Brain was able to use Brain’s Considerable Wit and Dashing Good Looks to charm the way back into Skull Village. (Skull’s a sucker for Considerable Wit and Dashing Good Looks.)

So in conclusion, Brain is back, but Brain knows that if Brain slacks on Ideas again, that Skull won’t be so forgiving. After all- Hell Hath No Fury Like a Skull Scorned.

So Brain, don’t go get all lazy and rest on the laurels of this one lousy post ya’ deadbeat. Are you listening to me, Brain?! Brain!!!

Future Laziness will Not Be Tolerated.

MY BRAIN THE RAISIN

It's official. My Brain has shriveled up. It has shriveled up into a Lazy Good for Nothing Crotchety Old Brain and has become a Bad Tenant. There it sits, lying about in my skull taking up space without providing me the Ideas that serve as its rent. I mean seriously. Does it think I'll just let it stay there without giving me anything in return? My skull is not called a Slum Lord behind its back for nothing- Skull expects payment! Payment in Brilliant and Amusing Anecdotes on which this Very Important Blog subsists.

Well dear friends, Skull has tacked the eviction notice up on Brain's door, threatening violence unless ideas are provided, so hopefully this dearth of posts will not continue.

Until then my friends, Skull offers up Amusement From Another Source to tide you over. I give you...

Burrito Cat.

Enjoy until next time.